1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,231
Now, after we are
given the certificate,
2
00:00:03,336 --> 00:00:05,236
who do you think
should speak first?
3
00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:06,964
I think it should
be me and then you.
4
00:00:07,040 --> 00:00:09,508
But, if you want,
it could be you and then me.
5
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:11,168
Or it could go me, you, me.
6
00:00:11,378 --> 00:00:12,936
What do you think?
How about just you?
7
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,241
Thank you, Ron. Yes.
8
00:00:14,414 --> 00:00:16,006
Tomorrow,
the Parks and Rec Department
9
00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:19,449
is receiving a commendation
at the Indiana Statehouse
10
00:00:19,886 --> 00:00:21,513
for bringing
the Harvest Festival back.
11
00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:23,846
And although it's
purely ceremonial,
12
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,254
it's a huge deal for me
to go to the Statehouse.
13
00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:29,489
I couldn't care less
about the commendation.
14
00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:34,192
But Indianapolis is home to
Charles Mulligan's Steakhouse,
15
00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:36,827
the best damn
steakhouse in the damn state.
16
00:00:36,903 --> 00:00:40,339
I have taken a picture of every
steak I've ever eaten there.
17
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:41,806
June 2004.
18
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,776
Porterhouse,
medium rare, B�arnaise sauce.
19
00:00:44,944 --> 00:00:48,175
January 2000.
They call this one "The Enforcer."
20
00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:49,771
February '96.
21
00:00:49,949 --> 00:00:53,715
The steak, rib eye.
The whiskey, Lagavulin 16.
22
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:56,551
The lady next to me, a bitch.
23
00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:58,591
Specifically,
my ex-wife, Tammy.
24
00:00:58,658 --> 00:01:02,025
Okay, this is the first
time I ever went there.
25
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,993
Oh, look at me.
I'm just a kid.
26
00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:27,947
She's showing
some elephant...
27
00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:30,983
Ooh, la la. Look who's fancy.
28
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,124
Am I wearing an ascot?
I didn't notice.
29
00:01:34,694 --> 00:01:36,559
Big night at
the Snakehole Lounge!
30
00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:37,618
It's a launch party
31
00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:41,189
for Dennis Feinstein's new fragrance,
Allergic for Men.
32
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:44,259
Pawnee's own Dennis Feinstein
is a real up-and-comer
33
00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:46,669
in the world of micro-brewed
perfumes and body sprays.
34
00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:48,707
His ether-based perfume,
Blackout,
35
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:52,905
was named one of Maxim's top hundred
ways to trick someone into sex.
36
00:01:53,179 --> 00:01:55,511
Club opens at 6:00,
event starts at 9:00.
37
00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:58,312
No, no, way too late.
I will be deep into my bath by then.
38
00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:02,153
Don't let us picture that.
Ben, you gonna go?
39
00:02:02,222 --> 00:02:03,689
I don't think so.
40
00:02:03,756 --> 00:02:06,850
Probably just gonna take it easy,
but thank you.
41
00:02:06,926 --> 00:02:08,223
Yeah, they always ask me
to go out with them.
42
00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:09,488
They're just being polite.
43
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:10,551
I move around a lot,
44
00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:12,723
so the friends I
make in these cities,
45
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,993
they're like
Facebook friends, you know?
46
00:02:15,401 --> 00:02:20,236
"Hey, Doug from Bloomington is
thinking about buying a shirt."
47
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,137
Come on, Doug, who cares?
48
00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,039
Okay, Tom,
I want you to take Ben
49
00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:26,042
and make him go to
that antihistamine party.
50
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,511
It's "Allergic,"
and forget it.
51
00:02:27,580 --> 00:02:29,013
He doesn't know
anybody in town.
52
00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:31,846
Come on, Tom, take him
under your tiny little wing.
53
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,642
He's a fully
grown man, Leslie.
54
00:02:33,786 --> 00:02:35,310
And tonight's just
not about pleasure.
55
00:02:35,822 --> 00:02:37,312
I'm schmoozing
Dennis Feinstein
56
00:02:37,390 --> 00:02:39,950
so I can pitch him my new cologne,
Tommy Fresh.
57
00:02:40,393 --> 00:02:41,917
Okay, well,
while you're doing that,
58
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,462
I want you to picture
Ben in his motel room,
59
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,589
all by himself with no friends,
staring at the wall.
60
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,159
Deal.
Tom.
61
00:02:48,368 --> 00:02:49,528
So my band's
working on a new album.
62
00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:50,863
Oh, yeah?
What's it called?
63
00:02:50,937 --> 00:02:55,567
April Ludgate is
the Best Ever, Volume One.
64
00:02:56,376 --> 00:02:57,365
Shut up.
65
00:02:57,443 --> 00:02:58,774
So, what do you
wanna do tonight?
66
00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:01,012
We could watch TV
at Burly's house
67
00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:03,115
or we could watch
TV at your house.
68
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,650
Or, I mean, we could
watch TV at Best Buy.
69
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:06,610
Why don't we go
to Tom's thing?
70
00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:09,280
That weird cologne party
thing at the Snakehole?
71
00:03:10,456 --> 00:03:14,415
I kind of forgot that you need
money when you have a girlfriend.
72
00:03:15,795 --> 00:03:17,387
I wanna treat
April like a queen,
73
00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:23,459
and queens deserve
flowers and massages,
74
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:27,836
chocolate, booze,
diamonds, rubies, emeralds,
75
00:03:27,907 --> 00:03:30,432
them treasure chests
full of scarves,
76
00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:33,843
different kinds of lubes that
warm up when you rub 'em on stuff.
77
00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:36,575
I'm gonna give her all
that stuff. And more.
78
00:03:37,116 --> 00:03:39,277
That sounds pretty awesome.
Yeah, let's do it.
79
00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:40,341
Okay.
Okay.
80
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:41,478
All right. Bye.
81
00:03:41,621 --> 00:03:42,679
Bye.
82
00:03:42,755 --> 00:03:43,744
I don't know.
83
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:45,884
I guess we're dating.
84
00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:51,093
It's new. Whatever!
I don't like labels.
85
00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:53,660
Go away.
86
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:56,199
This?
That would be good.
87
00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:57,964
But does it say,
"Hello, general assembly,
88
00:03:58,037 --> 00:04:00,631
"I've come to Indianapolis
to accept your commendation?"
89
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:02,230
As much as any
one dress could.
90
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,740
Leslie, I think
Chris is cheating on me.
91
00:04:04,944 --> 00:04:08,209
What? That lying bastard!
Wait. How do you know?
92
00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:10,472
I don't have
any actual proof.
93
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,247
Then I'm sure he's
not cheating on you.
94
00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:15,448
And if he is,
he's a monster.
95
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:17,113
And if he's not,
you guys are great together.
96
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:18,521
But if he is,
I will kill him.
97
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:20,283
Well, we had
a really good conversation
98
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:22,018
about our
relationship last week,
99
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:25,553
and he was very reassuring that
we're headed in a good direction.
100
00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:27,895
Great.
But then he got distant.
101
00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:30,265
And when I asked to come
visit him in Indianapolis,
102
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:32,634
he was totally weird.
103
00:04:32,705 --> 00:04:34,297
He was weird.
104
00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:35,807
Look, it sounds like
you're just spiraling.
105
00:04:35,875 --> 00:04:37,809
But what if I'm not?
What if I'm not?
106
00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,878
What if he has
a girl up there?
107
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,277
I think he's cheating
on me.
108
00:04:41,614 --> 00:04:42,638
Wow. Okay.
109
00:04:42,715 --> 00:04:44,774
Well, luckily,
I'm heading up there.
110
00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:47,877
I'll invite him out to dinner and
I'll poke around a little bit.
111
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,318
Okay. I mean,
he's not gonna be able
112
00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:50,947
to keep anything from me.
113
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,515
In high school,
they used to call me Angela Lansbury.
114
00:04:54,460 --> 00:04:56,394
But that was
because of my haircut.
115
00:04:56,729 --> 00:04:57,718
Hey, champ.
116
00:04:57,797 --> 00:04:59,924
Hey, champion.
117
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:01,193
Listen,
you should come out tonight.
118
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:02,625
Club's gonna be dope.
119
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,431
Plus, I'm pretty sure you
have nothing else going on.
120
00:05:04,504 --> 00:05:05,937
Well, that's not
totally true.
121
00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:07,973
The owner of
the motel I'm staying at
122
00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:10,908
said she was gonna screen
Hope Floats in the lobby.
123
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,677
Asked me if
I wanted to watch.
124
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,174
Yeah. You should
probably get out of that.
125
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:16,306
I think she's
gonna murder you.
126
00:05:16,582 --> 00:05:17,640
Come on down
to the Snakehole.
127
00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:18,911
I'm not gonna take
no for an answer.
128
00:05:20,119 --> 00:05:22,110
Okay. Yeah, no,
I'll stop by.
129
00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:23,177
Cool.
Thank you.
130
00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:25,348
Hey, you mind if I ask?
What are you gonna wear tonight?
131
00:05:26,292 --> 00:05:28,988
You know, I was probably
just gonna stick with this.
132
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,060
Come on, seriously.
What are you gonna wear?
133
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:34,290
Something totally different.
Probably go home and grab something.
134
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,356
Cool.
135
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:40,036
If you would be willing
to just take a brief pit stop,
136
00:05:40,139 --> 00:05:44,303
we could see Indiana's
second-largest rocking chair.
137
00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:45,366
No.
138
00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:48,676
Then maybe we should take
a quick two-hour sojourn
139
00:05:48,748 --> 00:05:52,115
to Dame Gervin's
Misshapen Celebrity Castle.
140
00:05:52,618 --> 00:05:55,348
It's where Madame Tussaud sends
all of its failed wax figures,
141
00:05:55,588 --> 00:05:57,988
and if you can figure out who it is,
you get to take it home.
142
00:05:58,257 --> 00:05:59,451
No.
143
00:05:59,592 --> 00:06:00,786
What's wrong with you,
grouchy pants?
144
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:04,152
I've been fasting all day
to save room for Mulligan's.
145
00:06:04,464 --> 00:06:05,897
Fasting's not
healthy for you, Ron.
146
00:06:06,165 --> 00:06:07,427
Leslie,
you need to understand,
147
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,162
we are heading for the most
special place on earth.
148
00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:12,064
When I'm done
eating a Mulligan's meal,
149
00:06:12,138 --> 00:06:14,606
for weeks afterwards,
there are flecks of meat
150
00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:17,142
in my mustache,
and I refuse to clean it
151
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:20,407
because, every now and then,
a piece of meat will fall into my mouth.
152
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:21,879
I forgot to tell you,
Chris Traeger
153
00:06:22,014 --> 00:06:23,447
is joining us
for dinner tonight.
154
00:06:23,516 --> 00:06:25,177
Please tell me he's meeting
us at the restaurant.
155
00:06:25,251 --> 00:06:26,411
No, we are picking him up.
156
00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:27,783
Damn it, woman!
157
00:06:29,288 --> 00:06:31,381
Welcome.
I am so glad you guys called.
158
00:06:31,457 --> 00:06:32,924
This is gonna be great.
Come on in, come on in.
159
00:06:32,992 --> 00:06:34,323
Sure.
Or we could just...
160
00:06:34,660 --> 00:06:35,786
Wow!
161
00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:37,825
Look at your foyer.
162
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,489
It's like a spa in here.
163
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:41,795
Exactly.
The entranceway to your house
164
00:06:41,868 --> 00:06:43,563
sends a message to the world
about who you are.
165
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:46,764
And the front door provides
energy flow and opportunity.
166
00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:48,306
You cannot limit that.
167
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:49,739
Yeah. Ron doesn't
even have a front door.
168
00:06:49,876 --> 00:06:51,503
He won't even
tell me his address.
169
00:06:51,677 --> 00:06:53,838
Ask him where he lives.
Where do you live?
170
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:54,902
Why?
171
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:59,381
So this is some kind
of coat closet or something?
172
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,747
Wow, there's a lot of
men's coats in here.
173
00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:03,914
I like coats.
174
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,083
Could I use your
bathroom really quick?
175
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:07,825
It's right behind you.
Okay.
176
00:07:08,661 --> 00:07:10,026
Toilet seat's up.
177
00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:17,366
Hey, let me get a beer
and a Pawnee Sunrise.
178
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,132
Do you wanna pay
cash or start a tab?
179
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:21,765
I... It's okay...
I know Tom.
180
00:07:21,874 --> 00:07:23,068
Tom who?
181
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,403
Tom Hammen...
Hammenstein.
182
00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:25,944
Haverford.
Haverford.
183
00:07:26,012 --> 00:07:27,172
He's, like, my best friend.
184
00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:31,148
Hey, Freddy, this guy says he knows
Tom and wants a drink for free.
185
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,047
You got money to
pay for those drinks?
186
00:07:33,352 --> 00:07:37,015
Yes. No.
187
00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:39,123
Make room for
the paying customers, huh?
188
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,690
Let's go, Knope!
189
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:44,957
Just one second.
190
00:07:45,031 --> 00:07:46,020
Hey, what's up?
191
00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:47,929
Hey, I think you
might be right.
192
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:53,100
I found a woman's razor in Chris's
shower and a pink swimming cap.
193
00:07:53,172 --> 00:07:54,730
Are you serious?
What the hell?
194
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,671
You know, it could be nothing,
but it feels like something.
195
00:07:57,743 --> 00:07:59,608
I don't...
I'm coming up there.
196
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:00,935
Wait.
197
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:03,680
All right, okay.
198
00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:04,943
All right, let's go.
199
00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:09,284
Oh, my God.
200
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:12,115
They just forgot to
unlock the door, that's all.
201
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,256
Ron, it looks like
they're closed
202
00:08:15,394 --> 00:08:17,794
for some kind of
health code violation.
203
00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:21,423
Ron, stop it! Ron?
204
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:29,265
They just boarded her up like
she was some common warehouse.
205
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:31,603
I should have been here.
206
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:35,972
What happened to the steaks that
were in there when they closed?
207
00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:38,810
Do you think they got eaten?
208
00:08:38,985 --> 00:08:42,716
Why don't we go back to my place
and I'll fire up the grill?
209
00:08:43,422 --> 00:08:45,822
You sure you're not expecting
company or something?
210
00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:47,325
No.
211
00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:48,415
What do you say, Ron?
212
00:08:48,494 --> 00:08:49,927
Go back to my place,
I'll make you some grub?
213
00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:52,694
It'll be just as good
as it would've been here.
214
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:55,556
Okay.
Okay.
215
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,266
That man is a legend.
216
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,938
Think about all
the scents he's created.
217
00:09:01,007 --> 00:09:06,001
Attack, Yearning, Thickening,
Itch, Coma, Sideboob.
218
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:07,841
Dennis Feinstein,
though?
219
00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:09,347
I don't know.
He should probably change
220
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:10,915
his name to something
a little more exotic
221
00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:13,315
if he wants to make
it big in perfume.
222
00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:15,284
Oh, his real name is
Dante Fiero,
223
00:09:15,354 --> 00:09:17,015
but he changed it
to Dennis Feinstein
224
00:09:17,156 --> 00:09:18,817
'cause that's way
more exotic in Pawnee.
225
00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:20,722
Okay.
So what's your plan?
226
00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:21,919
Wait till he's alone,
227
00:09:22,094 --> 00:09:25,996
then I'll walk up and
spray him with Tommy Fresh,
228
00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:27,690
and I say, " Uh-oh.
229
00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:29,559
"Looks like you just
inhaled your future."
230
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:34,138
Yeah.
That might actually work.
231
00:09:35,641 --> 00:09:37,108
Is everything okay?
232
00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:41,013
It kind of sucks
that I'm super broke
233
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:44,909
and I wanna buy you stuff and it's
embarrassing that I can't, but...
234
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:47,713
I'm broke too,
and I don't want anything.
235
00:09:47,787 --> 00:09:49,652
I just wanna
hang out with you.
236
00:09:49,789 --> 00:09:51,552
Plus, I can get free
drinks any time I want.
237
00:09:51,824 --> 00:09:52,813
How?
238
00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:56,287
I'm a girl
in a sleazy club.
239
00:09:58,297 --> 00:09:59,924
Hey.
Hey.
240
00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:01,660
I hate drinking alone.
241
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,702
Can I get you a drink?
Sure.
242
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:04,758
Triple whiskey.
243
00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:05,859
What's your name?
244
00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:07,833
Oprah.
I'm Kevin.
245
00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:10,535
Cool.
I kind of wanna drink alone.
246
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:12,104
But... I said I wanna drink alone.
247
00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:13,770
Thanks. Bye.
248
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:15,538
Here. You take
this one.
249
00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:21,348
I will get myself
a martini from that idiot.
250
00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:25,214
So, Chris,
do you have any sisters?
251
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:27,054
No, I don't, Leslie.
Do you have sisters?
252
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:29,594
Maybe. So how's your mom?
Is she visiting?
253
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,856
No, she's home up in Wisconsin.
Is your mom visiting?
254
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:33,364
Any aunts?
Nope. You have aunts?
255
00:10:33,432 --> 00:10:35,627
Girl cousins?
A youthful grandmother, perhaps?
256
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:36,790
Nope.
257
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:38,971
Did you forget how to
have a conversation?
258
00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:40,801
I am so happy
you guys are here.
259
00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:42,067
I'm gonna go
fire up the grill.
260
00:10:43,509 --> 00:10:44,533
I'm gonna kill him, Ron.
261
00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:45,735
Why?
262
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:48,905
Chris is cheating on Ann.
There's evidence everywhere.
263
00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:51,140
She's coming up here
so they can have it out.
264
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:54,048
Ask her to bring
some garlic salt.
265
00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:56,017
I'm worried Chris
doesn't have any.
266
00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:01,084
I got this from a waiter.
267
00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:02,827
I told him I had
a pork deficiency.
268
00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:04,419
Sweet! Pigs in a blanket.
269
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,431
I always wondered why
they call them that.
270
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,691
Look what I got.
Look what I got from the bathroom.
271
00:11:09,769 --> 00:11:11,669
Mints. Six of 'em.
272
00:11:12,138 --> 00:11:13,127
Nice.
Yeah.
273
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:18,172
Okay, whoever gets the most free
stuff by the end of the night wins.
274
00:11:19,078 --> 00:11:20,067
Deal.
275
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,577
Go!
276
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:24,182
Ron, would you like
some salad?
277
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:27,448
Since I am not a rabbit,
no, I do not.
278
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:28,747
Try it. Salad's
good for you.
279
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:29,810
You got it.
280
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:33,625
Mmm.
Delicious.
281
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,560
So, Chris, what do you do
up here in your spare time?
282
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:40,089
Well, I exercise,
and I exercise my mind.
283
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,524
And I try to keep
up on current events.
284
00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,164
Oh, that's what
you call it.
285
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:46,295
Sorry?
How are things going with Ann?
286
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,428
You know what's
funny about Ann?
287
00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:48,837
She's my best friend,
288
00:11:48,908 --> 00:11:51,741
and anyone who hurt her is
someone I would murder, probably.
289
00:11:52,978 --> 00:11:54,843
Oh, is that
what's upsetting you?
290
00:11:56,215 --> 00:11:58,615
This is very uncomfortable for me.
I don't know what to say.
291
00:12:00,953 --> 00:12:01,977
Watch the master
work it.
292
00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:03,316
I'm the Yoda
of networking.
293
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:06,017
Well, Yoda wouldn't
actually need networking.
294
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:07,320
I mean, his powers
were more spiritual.
295
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:08,519
Shut up, you nerd!
296
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:09,754
I get it. Okay.
297
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:15,730
Mr. Feinstein,
Tom Haverford.
298
00:12:15,801 --> 00:12:17,564
I'm the organizer
of this soiree
299
00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:19,500
and I'm also
a huge fan of yours.
300
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,540
I use all your colognes.
Sometimes two at once!
301
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:24,541
I don't recommend that.
Are you from the FDA?
302
00:12:24,610 --> 00:12:27,579
You know, legally, if you're from
the FDA, you have to tell me.
303
00:12:28,013 --> 00:12:31,574
I wanted to talk to you because
I actually created my own scent.
304
00:12:32,084 --> 00:12:35,451
Great. I'd love
to smell it, right?
305
00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:37,144
I know you're
a busy guy.
306
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:39,589
Yeah, man.
I'm crazy busy.
307
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:42,393
But all day long,
people are pitching me colognes.
308
00:12:42,461 --> 00:12:44,588
That guy just pitched me
a cologne called Sluts.
309
00:12:44,864 --> 00:12:47,890
I'm gonna tell you what I told him.
Not just anybody can do this.
310
00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:49,764
Although it's a great name,
and I'm probably gonna steal it.
311
00:12:50,002 --> 00:12:51,560
Please, it'll take
two seconds.
312
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,798
If you like it,
maybe we go into business together,
313
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:55,135
branch out in other states,
314
00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:56,970
move over to watches
and fancy raincoats,
315
00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:59,010
open up stores in
London and Paris.
316
00:12:59,078 --> 00:13:00,602
I don't know.
I haven't thought it through.
317
00:13:00,679 --> 00:13:04,706
But for now, I want
to present Tommy Fresh.
318
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,416
All right, I get it.
319
00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,981
It's a gag scent.
Hilarious!
320
00:13:15,161 --> 00:13:17,220
As in, "It's hilarious
how awesome it is"?
321
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:20,829
It smells like somebody spilled
Chinese food in a bird cage.
322
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:22,629
Horrible!
It's assaultive.
323
00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:25,836
It takes everything in my
power to not retch right now.
324
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:28,173
Kid, you need to
find another game.
325
00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:31,735
Leave perfumery
to the real men.
326
00:13:34,613 --> 00:13:37,173
Hey, Ann, if you get this,
I don't know if you should come up here.
327
00:13:37,249 --> 00:13:39,080
He's not worth it, okay?
328
00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:41,244
Call me, let me know where you are,
and if you have...
329
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:43,811
Ron?
330
00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,880
What in the
devil's name is this?
331
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:46,947
Portobello mushrooms.
332
00:13:47,326 --> 00:13:49,191
Where's the steak?
There's no steak.
333
00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:51,252
That's a healthier option.
It's organically grown.
334
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:54,359
Lord.
335
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:55,694
Ron, are you okay?
336
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:56,996
Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.
337
00:13:57,069 --> 00:13:59,867
Could you get us a cold
compress or something?
338
00:14:06,745 --> 00:14:09,578
Hey, six beers
for table 12.
339
00:14:10,049 --> 00:14:11,073
Do you work here?
340
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:13,617
Yeah. My dad owns
this place.
341
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:15,551
I'm Janet.
Janet Snakehole.
342
00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:18,788
Hey!
This round's on the house!
343
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,450
All right!
344
00:14:20,559 --> 00:14:21,685
How about some tips?
345
00:14:22,094 --> 00:14:23,220
Gum or mint, sir?
346
00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:24,488
Gum.
347
00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:26,656
Then a mint, I guess.
All out, sir.
348
00:14:26,765 --> 00:14:27,925
Don't have those either, sir.
349
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,968
Do you have anything?
Out of everything, sir.
350
00:14:32,271 --> 00:14:33,704
This is so awesome!
351
00:14:33,772 --> 00:14:36,138
We are like Robin Hood.
352
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:40,369
We steal from the club
and we give to ourselves.
353
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,171
Look, we'll find
a 24-hour diner.
354
00:14:42,414 --> 00:14:45,542
Or we can get one of those cows
that we saw on the way up here
355
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,109
and we'll bring it back and
we'll make steaks out of that.
356
00:14:48,854 --> 00:14:50,617
Ann Perkins,
what are you doing here?
357
00:14:50,689 --> 00:14:52,486
Whose pink razor's
in your shower?
358
00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:53,650
Excuse me?
359
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,524
Leslie found a pink razor and a
pink swimming cap in your shower.
360
00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:57,960
Whose is it?
361
00:14:58,130 --> 00:14:59,893
I guess you're
talking about my razor.
362
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:02,900
I shave my legs for swimming,
and women's razors work better.
363
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:04,896
For whatever reason,
men's razor technology
364
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:07,438
hasn't figured out how to
properly contour the shinbone.
365
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,432
And the swimming cap?
366
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,538
Indiana Breast Cancer
Awareness Triathlon, 2009.
367
00:15:12,611 --> 00:15:14,545
Came in fourth!
368
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:18,214
Well, I found concealer in your
medicine cabinet. What's that about?
369
00:15:19,218 --> 00:15:20,515
I'm a human being.
370
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,747
Sometimes I get blemishes.
I'm not perfect.
371
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,755
Oh, God.
I am so sorry, honey.
372
00:15:25,824 --> 00:15:27,291
I'm so embarrassed.
373
00:15:27,359 --> 00:15:30,157
I was scared that you
were cheating on me.
374
00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:33,327
No, I'm not cheating
on you.
375
00:15:33,399 --> 00:15:36,334
But I'm also
not dating you.
376
00:15:36,402 --> 00:15:38,870
We broke up
last week.
377
00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:46,143
We talked at your house.
Do you not remember this?
378
00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:49,009
Of course I remember,
but we didn't break up.
379
00:15:49,214 --> 00:15:50,681
I'm sorry, Ann,
but I'm certain we did.
380
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:53,249
Okay, you said that you
didn't wanna leave Pawnee
381
00:15:53,319 --> 00:15:55,651
and that I was the most
amazing woman you had ever met.
382
00:15:55,721 --> 00:15:57,211
Which you are.
And then I said
383
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:59,154
that I would move to
Indianapolis if I had to,
384
00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:01,055
and you said you didn't
wanna make me do that,
385
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,718
and then you said that
in a different world...
386
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,286
Oh, my God.
You broke up with me.
387
00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:07,995
Oh, my God.
388
00:16:08,100 --> 00:16:10,591
Yeah, so here's
what happened.
389
00:16:10,669 --> 00:16:13,797
Sweet and beautiful Ann
has never been dumped before,
390
00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:16,033
and Chris is such
a positive person,
391
00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:18,406
when he broke up with her,
she just didn't realize it.
392
00:16:18,477 --> 00:16:20,069
It's kind of understandable.
393
00:16:20,346 --> 00:16:23,713
Although it does kind of make you
wonder how good of a nurse she is.
394
00:16:23,782 --> 00:16:25,613
Oh, my God.
You left, and you said
395
00:16:25,684 --> 00:16:27,618
you were gonna work late,
and I kissed you?
396
00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:30,411
As enjoyable as that was,
I did find it odd.
397
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:33,156
And then I wanted
you to meet my parents?
398
00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:35,284
I'm sure they're
great people, but strange.
399
00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,962
This is humiliating.
I'm sorry, I gotta go.
400
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:40,590
Hey...
401
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,358
Hey, man.
402
00:16:44,436 --> 00:16:48,372
I got you
another melon-tini.
403
00:16:48,874 --> 00:16:49,863
Thanks.
404
00:16:51,877 --> 00:16:57,975
Listen, that guy is a jerk,
and if you ask me, he smells like...
405
00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:03,386
Success!
He smells like success.
406
00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:04,886
You know what I smell like?
407
00:17:05,691 --> 00:17:09,718
A teriyaki hairpiece?
408
00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:13,954
I smell like the guy
who's always coming up short.
409
00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:16,290
And you know what?
I'm just sick of it.
410
00:17:16,568 --> 00:17:19,196
Tommy Fresh was my dream.
411
00:17:20,439 --> 00:17:22,464
Now no one's ever
gonna smell it but me.
412
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,804
I can smell
your dreams, Tom.
413
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:27,001
I can.
414
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:29,407
And I can smell 'em
from here.
415
00:17:29,481 --> 00:17:33,008
And honestly, they
smell terrible.
416
00:17:35,187 --> 00:17:37,121
But I like Tom.
417
00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:40,152
I've got a jar of olives.
418
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:41,783
Nice.
419
00:17:41,927 --> 00:17:43,485
A thing of toothpicks
that look like swords.
420
00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:46,621
And a year's
supply of toilet paper.
421
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:52,629
I got... Boom!
$38 in tips.
422
00:17:53,038 --> 00:17:55,006
$180.
423
00:17:58,510 --> 00:18:00,239
We should give it back.
We should give it back.
424
00:18:02,815 --> 00:18:04,612
Follow me.
Okay.
425
00:18:06,552 --> 00:18:07,576
Oh, my God.
426
00:18:14,159 --> 00:18:16,627
Wow. Thank you.
427
00:18:18,697 --> 00:18:20,062
One time, when I was
in high school,
428
00:18:20,132 --> 00:18:23,465
a guy's mom called me and
broke up with me for him.
429
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:28,199
There was another time
where I was on a date
430
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:30,138
and I tripped and
broke my kneecap.
431
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:32,774
And then the guy said
he wasn't "feeling it,"
432
00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:35,311
so he left and I
waited for an ambulance.
433
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,105
One time I was dating
this guy for a while,
434
00:18:38,183 --> 00:18:39,582
and then he got
down on one knee
435
00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:41,117
and he begged me to
never call him again.
436
00:18:41,253 --> 00:18:44,416
One guy broke up with me while
we were in the shower together.
437
00:18:44,590 --> 00:18:46,524
Skywriting isn't
always positive.
438
00:18:46,592 --> 00:18:51,427
Another time, a guy invited me to a
beautiful picnic with wine and flowers,
439
00:18:51,497 --> 00:18:53,522
and then, when I tried
to sit down, he said,
440
00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:56,295
"Don't eat anything.
Rebecca's coming."
441
00:18:56,368 --> 00:18:57,926
And then he broke up with me.
442
00:18:58,403 --> 00:18:59,700
Who was Rebecca?
443
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:01,432
Yeah. Exactly.
444
00:19:02,207 --> 00:19:04,607
Thanks for driving me.
445
00:19:04,943 --> 00:19:07,935
Wait. You're getting your commendation
tomorrow at the Statehouse.
446
00:19:08,013 --> 00:19:11,540
Oh, please. It's just a goofy ceremony.
I don't even care about it.
447
00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:12,845
Leslie.
448
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:17,014
Besides, Ron is
staying behind. He'll go.
449
00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:19,114
Is Ron gonna be okay?
450
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,152
I honestly don't know.
451
00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:31,534
This isn't a steak.
Why would you call it that on your menu?
452
00:19:31,670 --> 00:19:33,194
I don't know what
to tell you, man.
453
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:39,472
Just give me all the
bacon and eggs you have.
454
00:19:39,545 --> 00:19:40,978
Wait, wait.
455
00:19:41,046 --> 00:19:42,911
I worry what you
just heard was,
456
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:45,074
"Give me a lot of
bacon and eggs."
457
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:50,918
What I said was, "Give me all
the bacon and eggs you have."
458
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:52,752
Do you understand?
459
00:19:56,061 --> 00:20:00,191
It's called a Tommytini.
It's just vodka and a bunch of cinnamon.
460
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:02,128
That sounds gross.
- Ben.
461
00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:05,299
Oh, Miller Lite.
How'd you know?
462
00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:06,937
Everybody knows.
That's your drink.
463
00:20:07,306 --> 00:20:08,637
Tommy.
Let's do this.
464
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,203
Mmm.
465
00:20:16,582 --> 00:20:17,674
How's it going?
466
00:20:17,749 --> 00:20:19,614
Hey, look who's socializing!
467
00:20:19,685 --> 00:20:21,277
Yeah, and I'm
having a good time.
468
00:20:21,353 --> 00:20:22,718
Sit with us.
Okay.
469
00:20:22,854 --> 00:20:26,881
Ann's in kind of a crappy mood
because Chris dumped her.
470
00:20:27,259 --> 00:20:28,988
Yeah, like a week
ago, right?
471
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:33,158
Yeah, but I only knew
about it an hour ago.
472
00:20:33,599 --> 00:20:35,726
So that's why you
tried to kiss him.
473
00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:38,233
We were all seriously
confused about that.
474
00:20:38,337 --> 00:20:40,862
Who's "we"?
What are you... Oh, God.
475
00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:46,777
Did you keep
the toilet paper?
476
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,504
Yes. I feel bad,
but I need it.
477
00:20:52,017 --> 00:20:53,814
Hey, hey, that's
gotta be Feinstein's car.
478
00:20:53,885 --> 00:20:55,147
Give me...
Give me the Tommy Fresh.
479
00:20:55,220 --> 00:20:57,017
Why?
Give me Tommy Fresh.
480
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,520
He's gonna smell
your dreams now.
481
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,089
Are you okay?
482
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,826
Is it that bad?
483
00:21:10,969 --> 00:21:12,527
Oh, my God,
it's unbelievable.